AFRAID OF MY SOUL'S STORM

This thread pulls me backwards in time, will the tree fall on us?  Tall pines wrap our home like a shelter in the summer, but now they threaten with their imposing height swaying in the winds of the upcoming hurricane. A tree? My father fell under the weight of a tree and died at age 52. I am not that old, but so near and I bear the sorrow of those days, fatherless and alone. Why did tragedy leave such a deadly blow on my spirit, why does sorrow engulf me so? I can see the levee of my soul giving way under the waves of sadness and God reminds me, "Get out the sandbags, shore up the weakness inside." I find comfort in the One who quiets me in His presence and speaks through His Word.



Medicine from Holy Scripture:   "I am a Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, He leads forth the prisoners with singing." Psalm 68:5-6


Medicine from Ancient Writing:
"Solitude is of the greatest purpose for stilling our passions. For just as animals are more easily controlled when they are stroked, lust and anger, fear and sorrow, the soul's deadly foes, are better brought under the control of reason , after being calmed by inaction, and where there is no continuous stimulation." St. Basil's Letter to St. Gregory Fourth Century

SWIRLING

I sit in the crisp morning air waiting; slowly I stretch my tiny feet to reach the sandy earth below and begin again. Every movement is purposeful, timed, exact, creating the perfect tension as I touch down and make the swing coil tight as a spring. Suddenly the intensity breaks as I fly out of control spinning wildly in the air unaware of the world around me, swirling as if in a centrifuge that could sift and sort things. Breathless I stop, but order is not restored, no one is there to push me and so I swirl again in the chaos of childhood. My own children have no need of such a ride, such a thrill, though they may enjoy it life doesn't demand it. I am here to hold their shoulders, giggling and laughing as the leaves dance around us they scream, "Mommy, push me again." My hands rest gently on them as I carefully send them flying straight and free.

Is there some place in your life where you feel forsaken? If so, take heart, ask God to show you where this pain comes from and invite Him into that loneliness. He longs to touch your heart with His unfailing love.



Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget you, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of My hand." Isaiah 49:15-16

A LONG WAY FROM HOME

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Glass shattered, as I was thrown across the room, blood poured from my hands dripping onto the kitchen floor, and I knew I was in trouble; the scene crashes through my mind so many times, like some PTSD siren going off in my head. "It wasn' t that bad," I try telling myself, but truth has a way of setting us free; wounds have to be healed, one way or another. My body was taken to the doctor so many years ago; but what of my heart and soul, how would their sore weeping ever be mended? Life hurts, some lives hurt more than others, but there is medicine we can apply to our soul that brings hope and restoration and love to us. Our journey will surprise us with incredible joy, intense sadness, and inconsolable grief; come and shed some light on your path.

 

STEP BY STEP

Cold, biting wind greeted us as we crested the top of Mount Kearsarge early last Monday morning, but all expectation of a beautiful clear day with sweeping vistas of fall foliage lay dashed at our mud-splattered feet; we had hiked into a low-lying cloud.

"This isn't what we expected."
"We hadn't planned on this."

Such simple statements filled the raw mountain air exposing more of our hearts than intended. Our path up had been steep and a bit treacherous with the night's rainfall losing the rock beneath us; how like life. Our way will include heart ache, disappointment, deployment, failures, frustrations and loss. How will we journey?

As we descended into the valley we laughed as we found the views we had longed for when the sun peered through the gray pouring down a ray of hope.

Tall trees

In the early hours of the morning I wake to mist rising off our pond and slowly, my favorite crimson oak appears. Little boys used to take those leaves, rakes in hand, making piles to conquer. They are gone now, scrambling up the halls of academia and I am left with the silent tree. Emotions lie hidden under the fog of day to day life, but there is a haunting sensation that as the mist burns away their stark beauty is revealed. Do I have the courage to face the changing tree each morning? Grieiving loss is one of those challenging life skills. In the fourth century John Chrysosotom said,
 "Let us mourn, therefore that we might rejoice, for here there is no unmixed joy."

UNPACKING MY BAGGAGE

Have you ever traveled with too much luggage? The first time I went to Germany I had three suitcases. Can you imagine me carrying them up and down the stairs of the train stations, in and out of every hotel? I was so tired carrying all the things I thought I couldn't live without.

I went to St. Michael's Church the other morning weighed down by all kinds of emotion. When I got there I couldn't believe the priest was talking about traveling light -how people carry too much baggage when they travel and how they carry hurts and pain around for years when they can let it go.

So, I unpacked a few things...
~the overwhelming sorrow of a son who has moved to the west coast
~the fear I have for him
~the resentment of the teenage tension and drama
~the hurt of painful conversations

I walked away from church that morning a little lighter.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light." Matthew 11:28-30

We are so burdened by all the things we carry... hurts, pain, sorrow, sadness, disappointment... some of it we can choose to let go of. Not everything needs to be carried around day after day, year after year. It is heavy and makes us weary. Got any baggage you need to unpack?