WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE COUNTS

 

            One part of me is mortified that I have told the world I have failed my exams! I want to recant or explain, but I am left with the truth and though I would like to tell you all the nice things about me and what is easy to post on face book, I must be honest. I failed my exams with God because I do not trust Him. Oh, on the surface it would all appear to be neat and tidy and that my world is wrapped up in a pretty little package with a beautiful bow- I have been married for 25 years (to the same person) we have five beautiful children, I work hard, make bread and jam and pick berries and enjoy life, but my inner world does not match up so much. Funny how God’s tests have nothing to do with exterior things, but everything to do with our hearts; mine is full of fear. I’m afraid my kids won’t be able to stand on their own two feet- like I can give them mine! I’m afraid I haven’t done all I could do- how many more batches of jam can one make? I’m terrified that they won’t make the right decisions- as if God isn’t faithful when they don’t. My fears about my children expose my heart. What I now know about myself is that although I say God is a loving Father, I believe I can’t trust Him with my children.

 

Where is your inner life not matching up with what you present to the world?

 

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

 

FINAL EXAMS WITH GOD

 

                Our oldest son finished his first year of graduate school and at the end of next year he will be taking his “quals,” qualifying exams- oral and written- which show he is competent in the material necessary to go on in his studies. I have just finished my “quals,” two years of intensive testing by God, and I am sad to say, I failed them miserable. I was stripped of security in relationships, my children struggled to find their footing and I sank with them. I did not trust, or accept or believe anything good could come of this pain, but slowly, I realize, that though my exam paper says, “F” for the fighting and arguing and refusal to submit to God’s path of suffering, I see that I have not died, neither have my children or my marriage.

I wonder what tests you are taking and how you are getting on?

Medicine from Sacred Writing and Sacred Scripture:

“Know yourself, know your wounds.” St John Chrysostom  Resisting the Temptations of the Devil Homily II.5; NPNF 9:189

How can we do this? We can begin with a simple prayer tucked at the end of Psalm 139. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

FRAYED

I have been busy lately with all that  a mother of five is overwhelmed by: so many meals to make, calls to take, children to keep encouraging, disciplining, hollering at to have them do what needs to be done. I'm ragged around the edges and so I crawled to church one day and listened. I stopped the incessant clatter and chatter in my head about all the concerns I had. I wasn't prepared for what I received:

Stillness stuns me

as I enter

I have not

been here

for a very long time.

 

My life, my mind

have been busy

My heart burdened

and my sanctuary empty.

 

Still, You call

and I come

wrapped in

Divine silence

my soul finds rest

once more.

 

dhallenbeck 6/13

It's the end of school for so many, the crazy making time where all is blur and a rush- perhaps other things keep you from Him...I wonder if you have had time to know the peace in His presence?


Medicine from Sacred Scripture:
"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28