GUESTS?

Reaching for the knob of the back bedroom door I turned it slowly, opening the door, unexpectedly finding the boy’s room wrapped in cold. I had come to put the space in order, making the bed and sweeping things clean, and I found a picture of my interior life at Advent. In the rush of the season, the wrapping and baking, making and taking, I find my soul left in the cold as my self must attend the world’s gatherings.

A little piece of me would like to sit by the fire and be fed, have a guest (maybe two at most) and enjoy the peace and joy that Christ comes to bring. Instead I find one day runs into another; words remain unwritten and thoughts unspoken as life crowds out the warmth of the Light. Sickness comes, a loved one dies, an old grief holds us in despair, disappointment suffocates, deadlines press us and ends beg to be met with some kind of holiday cheer. We must serve up eggnog, enthusiasm and goodwill and yet the hearth of our hearts burns so small it refuses to fuel the pace we keep.

This December morning I sit in the radiance of the sunshine streaming into our sun room as the temperatures outside hover below zero. This, too, seems a picture of our deeper life; we can seek refuge and find inner joy, a holy fire that will dispel the dark and cold we find waiting in the world.

O Little Town of Bethlehem

“How silently, how silently

The wondrous gift is given!

So God imparts to human hearts

The blessings of His heaven.

No ear may hear His coming,

But in this world of sin,

Where meek souls will receive Him still

The dear Christ enters in.”

Anyone coming to you for Christmas? Have you made their room ready?

Medicine from Sacred Writing:

“He enters by the open door; He has promised to come in and He cannot deceive...Embrace Him, the One you have sought; turn to Him and be enlightened; hold Him fast.” 

~ St. Ambrose of Milan fourth century ~

SWIRLING

The morning sky this week has been ablaze with color; rich fuchsia on Tuesday and deep twinges of pink this morning, but I am not talking to the Creator and was a bit furious the heavens dared to be so gorgeous. How can the sun rise day after day, heedless to the world's loss and pain? Regardless of the hurt and heartache you are going through, the deep dark of night will fade and the morning come to light your way. The way... that is the hard part. How do we walk through Christmas with disappointment, discontentment and even devastation in our hearts while expectations swirl all around us like snowflakes on a winter morn.

I missed the Ladies Christmas Brunch yesterday; it just couldn't be done. I curled up in a chair with the “Better Homes and Gardens” December issue and cried into my tea. One of my dear friend's sons died over the weekend, twenty-seven years old. Too soon, too young, too tragic, too close to Christmas; I want to scream, “God, can't you see?”

Of course He sees. He counts my friend's tears, “Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll- are they not in your record?” Psalm 56:8 It isn't really “in” to talk about grief and pain and sorrow as we prepare for Christmas, but under the wrapping, shopping, running and baking some of our hearts are breaking.

Praying today I found myself yelling at God, “What do you expect me to do? How am I to carry on and “do” the holidays. God Gently whispered, "Just come to Me, child.” I imagined myself, very small, crawling onto God's lap, so to speak, and do you know what happened? I wept, sobbed, tears pouring down my face for all the losses those I love have suffered. I rose from me knees with the weight of grief just a little lighter and the knowledge that I am held, I am loved and that I do not need to carry on; He will carry me and those I love. 

Are you mourning? He comes to you as Emmanuel, God with us.

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“Praise be to the Lord, to God, our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” Psalm 68:19

CHRISTMAS CHAOS

Finding the Christmas ornaments proved to be insanely challenging this year. I must have been in some kind of crisis last year because as I entered the dark attic I found complete chaos- each of the holiday bins meant to hold decorations for Valentine’s Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving were nearly empty but the attic floor held piles of stuff for each season. What a mess. Wooden paddles and candle holders were missing from the German Christmas pyramids; I couldn't rest until I’d found all the pieces. The pyramids spin slowly moving the carved figurines as the light from the candles heats the air beneath the paddles.

What a  picture of my soul; the flame of Christ’s Presence can fill me and fuel everything I do. Everyone wants to bring light and love to others, but first we must find the source of Light and what holds the light. For me, the candle holders became a vivid reminder that my soul is the container that holds the Light of Christ.

Sorting through the whole attic on the first day of Advent, I finally found what I was looking for. How appropriate. I must look through my soul at the beginning of this season, if I would trim my life with all that Christ has for me, some old things must be sorted and sifted in the Light of His coming.

“O come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel.” We are all captive to one thing or another: power, possessions, people, placating, pick your own vice and add it here. The call of Advent is to have an open ready heart for the King of Kings; He needs no stable, but we stand in need of His Presence in our lives and hearts.

May the Wonderful Counselor give the grace you need to clean house in your soul (and maybe your attic?)

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.” Isaiah 60:1

CHRISTMAS LOSS

A warm sun melting the thin ice on our pond makes me wonder what December looks like for you. Here we are warming and freezing alternately; one day is cold (14 degrees) yet today we step outside to a balmy 41 degrees. Our hearts might be the same; we engage with warmth, energy and openness or we find ourselves a wee bit frozen inside, unable to embrace the whole deal- life, loss, joy, sorrow.

Our community is grieving the loss of the beautiful teen I told you about on the first day of Advent; this family’s pain has become the underlying question for many here who knew and loved them, and even for those who didn’t, our hearts cry out, “How can they survive the loss of a child so young at this, the “most wonderful time of the year.”? As long as our hearts break with pain we know we are still alive, fully human, able to hurt and heal.

Our Christmas tree came waltzing into our house like a tall frozen pencil this past weekend. Hoping to trim it with one of the college boys, we were sadly disappointed as all  we did was watch the ice melt. Finally her big bushy branches relaxed after the weight of the cold was lifted from her. (We even tried a hair dryer, but she was cold from the inside out; you cannot rush the warming process).

I wonder if  our hearts need to be warmed by the Light of the World, the Wonderful Counselor, the Prince of Peace? Can we see how frozen places prevent us from living and loving as we could?

“Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners...Peace, peace to those far and near.says the Lord.” Isaiah 57:19, 20

December gifts:

1. my daughter’s comfort

2. muffins with lovely friends

3. lattes at Starbucks

~join me in jotting down all the ways you see a “wink from heaven” as you notice 

Emmanuel, God with us~

DECEMBER GIFTS... OPENING PRESENTS EARLY

Emmanuel, God with us. And how am I to know He is near, with me, in this holiday season? Each day in December I look for a wink from heaven, a little present of some kind to remind me that God is near; they come in the most unusual shapes and sizes. Today’s gift was my daughter reaching for my hand as I cried during church. I prayed with a friend for her friend whose 14 year old daughter is dying of cancer. I was overwhelmed with sadness for this little family as they possibly face their last Christmas with their child. I cannot wrap my heart around this pain, I can pray for a miracle (join me!) and I can ask for the God of all comfort to comfort them. And in my sadness God gave me my gift; my child bringing God’s comfort to me.

It may be tea with a friend, an unexpected phone call or visitor, it may be a conversation with a loved one or a Christmas card from a dear friend. Open your eyes and heart this Advent to see the loving touch of your Creator in every day that He gives you. I keep a list of my December Gifts as a reminder of God’s presence and faithfulness. Watch what happens as you begin to pay attention to His nearness; the hustle and bustle of the holidays slowly begins to fade as you see God send you reminders of His love and care for you. Try something new this Christmas.

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“Comfort, comfort My people, says your God.” Isaiah 40:1

NOT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Across the pond the sun is just beginning to peek over the tops of the pines; hot tea in my hands, I watch the wind blow through the branches. The house is quiet, the proverbial calm before the storm of roasting turkey and mashing potatoes, before the Macy’s day parade and a gathering of friends. This same sun will rise on those I love far away. I must hold in tension the longing to have everyone gathered, as my friends say, “all their chicks in the nest,” and the desire to have them live their own lives bringing light and love where they find themselves.

I’m thankful, of course, for the children still nestled in their beds here, but for those who are grown  I must make room in my heart for their journeys. These are the days, when only part of the family is gathered, that I feel a quiet ache at the center of my soul; I want to weep when someone asks, “Is everyone coming home for Thanksgiving?” My mind argues, ”How can they make the trip, living on the west coast and their lives beckoning them to stay?” And then my heart cries, “How dare they not come home to be with us, laughing, arguing, baking, playing, talking, bickering?”

I’m grateful for the gift of silence this morning, to quietly look into my heart and see how much sorrow there is that we are not all gathered at one table, but then to be able to give thanks for the lives that have been given to us to nurture and bless, sometimes from a distance. This sun that pours over my books and dining room table will rise on them as well and with this I will learn to be content.

Missing someone today?

Medicine from Sacred Writings:

“God gives great gifts, procuring abundant harmony and love, that each one standing in need of the other might be brought closer to his brother.”

                                                                               John Chrysostom Fourth Century

BLACK FRIDAY

Christmas shopping thirty two years ago in Fredonia’s  little department store I frantically searched for just the right gift and I found the mugs. Looking back now  it is blurred in grief.  My father loved coffee, so I chose a set of mugs for him;  they are vividly etched in my mind forever.

My Thanksgiving coming and going was uneventful. I left for Rochester to visit my college roommate. We headed to Disney on Ice, returning late to Debbie’s there was an eerie silence; there had been an accident, I needed to go home, everything would be fine, her parents would put me on the prayer line.

My dad had died. My world crumbled and his presents remained unopened. Staying up all night cleaning I hoped to find rhyme or reason or meaning; all these eluded me. The day before we all  enjoyed our Thanksgiving meal and afterwards watched The Waltons, the old movie where the Grandpa died when a tree fell on him. My father died in the same way. I have always wondered if God was trying to prepare me.

Grief has its own timeframe and just when we think we are fine a memory or a thought will bring all the sadness with its crushing loneliness back to us. I can’t prepare for Thanksgiving without wondering, “If I had known my dad would die the next day, would I have stayed home, given him his presents earlier, told him I loved him?”

Grieving?

Processing grief while walking into the holidays is like carrying an elephant into a room full of party goers- they’re  all going to a gathering  your soul cannot find the clothes for. Be very gentle with yourself. Hold the memories as a precious gift and slowly let go; release your loved one to embrace those who are with you now; they need you as much as you needed the one who has died.

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“A Father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in HIs holy temple. God sets the solitary in families.” Psalm 68:5-6