Ruins are not what we think of on Christmas. We try to make the day beautiful, the memories bright, the laughter fill the air, but we all have places in our lives that don't fit our pretty little picture and we live in a world that sometimes makes no sense at all. On the grounds of Kell's Priory we stumbled upon construction; rubble sifted neatly into piles with some of the older stones affixed with a thin grey line of cement. Interesting that the local name for the priory was "Seven Castles." We, too, are building a castle, though it is not always fit for a King. As Christmas approaches I wonder if we could sift the rubble in our hearts and souls asking the One who made us and knows us to give us wisdom and grace to work on the reconstruction; if we do not  we may find ourselves tripping on the chaos inside us and in the world around us.

Medicine from Ancient Writing:
"Show forth in your life much gentleness, much purity, for we have a King who beholds all our actions continually."
St. John Chrysostom Homilies on St. John Homily V.4 NPNF1: 14.25

BUILDING WELL

 

 

Piles of gingerbread house pieces line the messy countertops as the fragrance of cloves swirls in the air.

Simple traditions fill the days as we prepare for Christmas. Years of baking and assembling these houses with friends and family remind me of the holy call of the season:

I ask God for the grace to help me build well-

A holy dwelling for the King of Kings, a heart filled with grace and truth, a life of love and mercy.

We can only bring the hope we have to those who are hopeless;

We can only light a candle in another’s darkened heart if the

Light resides in ours.

I long for the light of the world to come and warm the hearts of those I love, of those who are hurting in this world.

Diane Hallenbeck 2012

 
"The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

CRANBERRY BREAD AND THE GIFT

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger." How can one really live this way?  The emotions, all the stress, the challenges and disappointments take a toll on us and somehow we are to navigate expectation and longing, loneliness and grief all in this season. I stood at my kitchen window, morning sun skimming off the pond, wondering how to not let my emotions define my whole being. What if years have gone down on my anger, never mind the day? Slowly, sorting the berries for bread, I realized that inside I have sifting to do- not every emotion is something to build on; some need to be washed and included, some let go of and some thrown away- not fit for use. Looking back at the ruins of childhood I see anger, sadness, and shame. What a gift. Feel the emotions for sure, but then, after seeing they do not belong in my life I can let them go, hang onto hope and dance in the day I've been given.


Soul Medicine from Ancient Writing
"The reason the devil plunges us into thoughts of despair is that he may cut off the hope which is towards God, the safe anchor, the foundation of our life, the guide of the way which leads to heaven, the salvation of perishing souls. "For by hope," it is said, "we are saved." For this hope is like some strong cord suspended from the heavens supporting our souls and drawing us to heaven."

Chrysostom Fourth Century Letters To The Fallen Theodore Letter 1 NPNF1:9; 2.93

A PLANTING

On a beautiful fall day in County Kerry, Ireland my husband Kevin and I are driven to Muckross Abbey in a horse dawn carriage; sun streams across our faces as we gaze at  the lakes and majestic forest all around us. I beg for us to stop at the ruins so I can have a romp around, the driver concedes wondering at my delight. Each building holds the prayers of the centuries, the stories of the monk's lives, the tragedies that befell them at Cromwell's hands. I turn a corner and am awe-struck; in the middle of the Abbey an ancient Yew tree is growing, planted hundreds of years ago by the Fransiscans.

I have my own ruins, my own tragedy, but if I look carefully I see something was planted in me- life, joy, love, peace, goodness all dwell deeply within. It is in my boys' eyes and my daughter's smile, I am in awe of their dreams and their lives. I walk prayerfully through my ruins inviting God's Presence to meet me there to reclaim some things that were lost. Have you any ruins that need visiting?


Medicine from Holy Scripture:

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore places long devestated." Isaiah 61:3, 4

INTRUDERS OR AN INVITATION

Our first stop in Ireland wasn't for a pint of Guinness, but for a taste of history; we sought a monastery established in the 6th century. At Glendalough we were enchanted and drawn deeply into the mystical beauty of the Irish country and Celtic Christianity. What struck  me was the swirling, biting wind stripping the golden leaves and causing them to dance in the air all around us. The bubbling brook led us to the ruins as we took the trail through the moss covered woods.

So like my life, I thought- ruins, broken down buildings, places where there had been invasions and property stolen. As I stood steeped in mystical beauty I realized that ruins can be made holy; the monks from centuries ago prayed through the violence of the intruders interrupting their holy lives. Could I do the same? Could I look back on ruins and pray through them asking the Holy Spirit to bring life and holiness from loss and destruction?


Medicine from Ancient Writings:

We shall go forth to our business with much security if we have made God propitious by prayer; this way we shall have no enemy. Or if we do, we shall laugh him to scorn, having God propitious. There is war in the market place; the affairs of every day are a fight, they are a tempest and a storm. We therefore need arms: prayer is a great weapon. We need favorable winds; we need to learn everything so as to go through the length of the day without shipwrecks and wounds."
St John Chrysostom 4th Century Homilies on Hebrews Homily XIV NPNF1; 9.437

REBUILDING AND REJOICING

So I am on vacation (holiday) in Ireland and have been swept away by the wind at the Cliffs of Moher, but also by the intense beauty and haunting history of the monastic ruins. I can't tell you all about it now, but stay tuned, when I return home I will write about each site and the experience of walking, praying and being there. High crosses, friaries, monasteries, oratories, burial sites; all simply stunning. For now let me say that God has challenged the picture of my childhood as a place of desolation.


Medicine from Holy Scripture:
"And they shall rebuild the old ruins, they shall raise up the former desolation and they shall repair the ruined cities, the desoltations of many generations." Isaiah 61:4-5

AFRAID OF MY SOUL'S STORM

This thread pulls me backwards in time, will the tree fall on us?  Tall pines wrap our home like a shelter in the summer, but now they threaten with their imposing height swaying in the winds of the upcoming hurricane. A tree? My father fell under the weight of a tree and died at age 52. I am not that old, but so near and I bear the sorrow of those days, fatherless and alone. Why did tragedy leave such a deadly blow on my spirit, why does sorrow engulf me so? I can see the levee of my soul giving way under the waves of sadness and God reminds me, "Get out the sandbags, shore up the weakness inside." I find comfort in the One who quiets me in His presence and speaks through His Word.



Medicine from Holy Scripture:   "I am a Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, He leads forth the prisoners with singing." Psalm 68:5-6


Medicine from Ancient Writing:
"Solitude is of the greatest purpose for stilling our passions. For just as animals are more easily controlled when they are stroked, lust and anger, fear and sorrow, the soul's deadly foes, are better brought under the control of reason , after being calmed by inaction, and where there is no continuous stimulation." St. Basil's Letter to St. Gregory Fourth Century

SWIRLING

I sit in the crisp morning air waiting; slowly I stretch my tiny feet to reach the sandy earth below and begin again. Every movement is purposeful, timed, exact, creating the perfect tension as I touch down and make the swing coil tight as a spring. Suddenly the intensity breaks as I fly out of control spinning wildly in the air unaware of the world around me, swirling as if in a centrifuge that could sift and sort things. Breathless I stop, but order is not restored, no one is there to push me and so I swirl again in the chaos of childhood. My own children have no need of such a ride, such a thrill, though they may enjoy it life doesn't demand it. I am here to hold their shoulders, giggling and laughing as the leaves dance around us they scream, "Mommy, push me again." My hands rest gently on them as I carefully send them flying straight and free.

Is there some place in your life where you feel forsaken? If so, take heart, ask God to show you where this pain comes from and invite Him into that loneliness. He longs to touch your heart with His unfailing love.



Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget you, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of My hand." Isaiah 49:15-16

A LONG WAY FROM HOME

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Glass shattered, as I was thrown across the room, blood poured from my hands dripping onto the kitchen floor, and I knew I was in trouble; the scene crashes through my mind so many times, like some PTSD siren going off in my head. "It wasn' t that bad," I try telling myself, but truth has a way of setting us free; wounds have to be healed, one way or another. My body was taken to the doctor so many years ago; but what of my heart and soul, how would their sore weeping ever be mended? Life hurts, some lives hurt more than others, but there is medicine we can apply to our soul that brings hope and restoration and love to us. Our journey will surprise us with incredible joy, intense sadness, and inconsolable grief; come and shed some light on your path.

 

STEP BY STEP

Cold, biting wind greeted us as we crested the top of Mount Kearsarge early last Monday morning, but all expectation of a beautiful clear day with sweeping vistas of fall foliage lay dashed at our mud-splattered feet; we had hiked into a low-lying cloud.

"This isn't what we expected."
"We hadn't planned on this."

Such simple statements filled the raw mountain air exposing more of our hearts than intended. Our path up had been steep and a bit treacherous with the night's rainfall losing the rock beneath us; how like life. Our way will include heart ache, disappointment, deployment, failures, frustrations and loss. How will we journey?

As we descended into the valley we laughed as we found the views we had longed for when the sun peered through the gray pouring down a ray of hope.

Tall trees

In the early hours of the morning I wake to mist rising off our pond and slowly, my favorite crimson oak appears. Little boys used to take those leaves, rakes in hand, making piles to conquer. They are gone now, scrambling up the halls of academia and I am left with the silent tree. Emotions lie hidden under the fog of day to day life, but there is a haunting sensation that as the mist burns away their stark beauty is revealed. Do I have the courage to face the changing tree each morning? Grieiving loss is one of those challenging life skills. In the fourth century John Chrysosotom said,
 "Let us mourn, therefore that we might rejoice, for here there is no unmixed joy."

UNPACKING MY BAGGAGE

Have you ever traveled with too much luggage? The first time I went to Germany I had three suitcases. Can you imagine me carrying them up and down the stairs of the train stations, in and out of every hotel? I was so tired carrying all the things I thought I couldn't live without.

I went to St. Michael's Church the other morning weighed down by all kinds of emotion. When I got there I couldn't believe the priest was talking about traveling light -how people carry too much baggage when they travel and how they carry hurts and pain around for years when they can let it go.

So, I unpacked a few things...
~the overwhelming sorrow of a son who has moved to the west coast
~the fear I have for him
~the resentment of the teenage tension and drama
~the hurt of painful conversations

I walked away from church that morning a little lighter.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light." Matthew 11:28-30

We are so burdened by all the things we carry... hurts, pain, sorrow, sadness, disappointment... some of it we can choose to let go of. Not everything needs to be carried around day after day, year after year. It is heavy and makes us weary. Got any baggage you need to unpack?

KNOW YOURSELF

So, where did you put that list? Did you have the courage to make the journey through your heart and take inventory? My hallways are like a complicated labyrinth holding old years of hurt and confusion. I don't need to understand my pain though, I just need to clear my heart and make the list. I focus on today:

~the hurt of raising teenagers who don't listen, arguing till exhaustion sets in
~the pain of adult children leaving a big empty room and nicely saying:
                        "Thanks for everything, I'll visit when I can."
~the daily tussle of relationships questioning where I end and you begin

Let's examine these in the light of ancient writings:

"Let us know ourselves, let us know our wound, for then we shall be able to apply the medicines. For he who does not know his own disease gives no care to his weakness."
                                   John Chrysostom fourth century

My pain reveals my wounds and myself. I care deeply that people know, affirm and listen to me. No surprise here, with a childhood of abuse and trauma, but I must give care to this weakness of looking to others for value, validation and love.

 When you get a terrible diagnosis you talk to an expert, research, meet with a friend who had the same disease and share survival tips; the same is true on an emotional level. Look at the multitude of recovery and addiction groups: people with similar stories sharing how to get through.

I'd like to suggest you take your list, crawl into your Father's lap and ask Him, "Why me, why this wound, what do You want me to do with this pain? I must sit continually in my Father's lap and listen for who I am independent of roles and relationships and allow Him to heal this deep wound of longing.

God whispers gently in my ear, "I am with you, I am mighty to save, I will quiet you with My love, I will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17) What do you hear as you sit in your Father's lap?

WHERE TO GO FOR MEDICINE

Where do you go when you are sick? Obviously the doctor, right? But what about when you are sick at heart, or sad or just not in balance emotionally, then what? When I am heart sick I go to three places for medicine: the Church, Sacred Scripture and Early Church Writings. This seems unusual, I know: a forty something wife and mother of  five reading fourth century writing for healing, but I always find medicine for my soul.

Some people head to their favorite book store and browse the self-help section. On a recent trip to Barnes and Noble I stumbled into the self-improvement section! Like a DIY project I am only 10 Days to Self-Esteem or I can have The Untethered Soul. All kinds of offerings tempt me: Soul Food, Keeping the Love You Find, Women Who Love Too Much, Life as Your Best Medicine, Power Healing, Embrace Release Heal. On and on the titles go and I am sure they are wonderful books, but  I'd be reading for years! If I am willing I can look to the spiritual surgery of the Church and her ancient writings.

"For this house is a spiritual surgery, that whatever wounds we may have received without, here we may heal, not  that we may gather fresh ones to take with us hence. Yet if we do not give heed to the Spirit speaking to us, we shall not only fail to clear ourselves of our former hurts, but shall get others in addition."
                               John Chrysostom Fourth Century

We are all hurt by life and our hearts bear the wounds we have received on our journey. Come with me to the places I find healing and perhaps you'll find medicine for your own soul. What former hurts might you need to clear from your soul? Imagine walking through the hallways of your heart looking into some old rooms and places of pain. Now, take inventory: make a list of these hurts and if you have faith, place this list in the hands of your Heavenly Father. If you don't have faith imagine the most loving person you know and ask them to hold this list for you for now. Don't be afraid (Psalm 34:18) but begin by asking God to clear your heart of these hurts.