BUCKET LIST

As the sun danced on the waves a mother pulled her son into the water; he had a small blue pail in his hands and as hard as she was tugging towards the waves, he was fighting to go back to shore. I could hear her screaming at him: “Come on, we need to fill your pail.” The image haunted me: the struggle of the little boy to avoid collecting things he didn't want anyways.

Down the beach a bit there was another mother with a tiny toddler- she was so much braver. She had no agenda and her child stood independent and free- falling when the waves crashed over her and picking herself up again while her guardian hovered near by.

 I wonder what we try to put in other people's buckets and what our expectations are for them? We live in relationship with one another, but I cannot be filling your bucket and you cannot expect to give me a list of what you want me to put in my bucket. This rings through our whole lives. We look for the approval of our parents long after they have left this earth- sure that if we do this one thing or succeed in that way we will be special to them and find our value. And on it goes to the next generation, even silent expectations wreck havoc in our families' lives.

As I was heading back toward my little pile of beach things I saw a son fall down (he had no pail) and his father gently picked him up and kissed the top of his head. It was simple, sweet, sensitive and restored the child's balance in every way.

Is this the gesture of our lives- to bless, to, “kiss the tops of the heads” of those we know? And do we feel the Father's embrace as He kisses the crown of our heads as well?

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live." Psalm 119:76

SOMEONE TO HELP

On a recent family jaunt around our neighborhood pond we happened upon a baby turtle on the side of the road. My daughter decided to rescue him from danger and proceeded to carry him home. I'm not quite sure how the turtle felt about this; he closed his eyes tight and pulled in his little legs. Do turtles have emotions? Fear would have been appropriate. It is one thing to be lost and without hope and quite another to be scooped up and carried in some one's hands.

Disoriented, confused and abandoned. Sinking feelings overwhelm us when we are pulled from the safety of the known, when we literally lose our footing. The turtle did alright until he was dropped! He recovered unscathed, though; my husband knelt down, carefully picked him up again and carried him. We set him gently down near the edge of our pond and his little turtle legs propelled him out into the water. If turtles could talk I wonder if he would say that his journey was his rescue?

Would I? Would you? When all around is unknown and change and challenge do you pull into your shell to hide? Do you brave the world trying to make it on your own? What if Someone promised to be with you always and help you on the journey home? We do not need to fear. God assures us from Isaiah 41:10, “Do not fear, I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.” When we lose our way and the journey is long and treacherous we have a God who says, “I am here and I will help you, small one; I see your tears and sadness; I know your pain. I will comfort and sustain you. Trust Me child, to hold you and heal you.”

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“In all their distress He too was distressed, and the angel of His Presence saved them; He lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.” Isaiah 63:9

COMFORT COSTS

A red cardinal just flew up through the tree outside my window and sits perched on a low hanging branch. No babies to watch, this bird freely soars. An empty nest. A quiet house seems to betray the fact that the boisterous or moody or social one has now flown the coop. Stillness gnaws at the edges of who we are.

How to love and live freely and yet well? How to let go and let God have our children, our friends, our very lives? When roles and responsibilities identify who we are there will be restless yearning as these change- one must face one's self unadorned.

I was accused today of being a, “hands off” mother. And would I want to be one whose talons are forever cutting into the soul of the child who is really not my own? As I allow God to comfort me in the losses there have been sleepless nights and tears, but there has been Presence and joy. Comfort costs me my wants and desires and asks me to create a space where God can meet me. That place is called emptiness. Open your hands and let them go- in this freedom they can live and you will soar.

Medicine from Sacred Writing:

“The God of mercies and Father of all comfort comfort all our hearts, both those who are oppressed by grief and those held down with any other sorrow.”

St. John Chrysostom Homilies on Second Corinthians Homily 1.7; NPNF1.276

HEART-BREAKING BREAD BAKING

Goodbye begins with baking four loaves of cranberry bread, maybe not in your home, but in ours it does. As my hands are busy measuring and making my heart pounds with a hundred different questions: Did I make his favorite food? Did I have enough conversations that reached his heart? Have we said all we need to say to send this one into the world ready?

Your house may not be filled with the fragrance of baking, but this one is- I love in the ways I hold most dear and trust that all this food has fed their souls as well. Perhaps the cinnamon rolls have spoken welcome and belonging when I have not, maybe the oatmeal bread has filled their hearts with warmth and a sense of home as nothing else will. I do what I can do- and you will do the same. You will try to cram all the years of a child growing into so many hugs and so many words. It is enough, they will remember, and you will always be home if you are willing to let go; if you do not, there is no place to return to. One cannot return when one is tethered.

So, be brave, bake the bread, do the shopping- whatever will settle your heart's questions and know love will bring them home. Crumbs of cranberry bread left on the counter remind me that Saturday's plane ride is fast approaching, but as I plan elaborate meals this one informs me he is leaving today for the call of Mount Mansfield and a long bike ride. “Mom, I'll be back Thursday...” for a few days and then the long goodbye.

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain...” Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 5

VISITORS

A few Sundays ago I heard about Abraham welcoming strangers in Genesis Chapter 18; a lovely story that nudged me to listen to God in prayer. As I sat in church here's what He said:

“Child, I would like you to welcome Me as Abraham welcomed his guests. Let me be the Guest in your soul. Welcome Me and and welcome those I send you.” Obviously I must need a bit of help in the hospitality department - God had to use the word, “welcome,” four times in three sentences!

I thought God was patronizing; I had prepared for company coming- Tyler's girlfriend, Rae, but I had to stretch myself to welcome our oldest son's friend and then my sister and her guest. Dinners were chaotic- two chickens roasted, any number of vegetables peeled and cooked, home made bread defrosted and inhaled. As I set aside my hostess hat and listened to conversations around the dinner table I was amazed at the laughter, the questions raised and the love offered by our family.

My heart needed to be ready to welcome people, not just entertain them, realizing they came seeking, hungry and needy. Only as I welcomed Christ into my soul could I be fit to receive them into my home.

Have any company coming soon that need more than a cup of tea and a bite to eat? Maybe they need comfort, connection, hope or healing? 

Medicine from Sacred Writings:

“Abraham looked around in order that he might hospitably entertain the stranger. He didn't cover his roof with gold, but fixed his tent near the oak and was content with the shadow of its leaves. Yet, so illustrious was his lodging, that angels were not ashamed to tarry with him; for they sought not the splendor of abode, but virtue of soul.”

St. Chrysostom Concerning the Statutes Homily II. 15; NPNF 9.349

WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART?

 “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” The shrill cry pierced the afternoon sky as I made my way down the crowded beach. My heart was strangely stirred by this one word repeated with greater intensity each time it was uttered. Just as the extreme heat had driven me to the cool of the ocean, so my soul seemed to need a refuge and comfort somewhere.

I can cry out “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” knowing that the God of the universe will bring help and refresh me, no matter what concern or intense need brings me to Him. A very log time ago- a lifetime- since our oldest is almost 23, I filled the dishwasher with dish soap- it was a desperate moment for sure, and you already know what happened: bubbles came pouring forth from that machine filling the kitchen and threatening to take over other rooms of the house. With as many towels as I could find I began absorbing the soap gone wild. Three little boys stood dumbfounded as I cried, “Lord, help.”

No matter what circumstance we find ourselves in we can always cry to Him who made us. “No, the word is very near you, it is in your mouth and in your heart so that you may obey it.” Deuteronomy 30:14 hints that living a life of faith might be as simple as crying, “Abba, Father!” from the depths of our heart.

Medicine from Sacred Writings:

“Of things so great and grand God has made easy access for us. What is the meaning of the phrase, “The word is near you?” that is, it is easy. For in your mind and in your words is your salvation. There is no long journey to go, no seas to sail over, no mountains to pass to get saved. But if you are not inclined to even cross so much as the threshold, you may even while you sit at home be saved. For in your mouth and in your heart is the source of your salvation.”

St. John Chrysostom Epistle to the Romans Homily XVII NPNF1 11.474

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Weeks ago I gave you a glimpse into my heart as we perused poetry written in Munich; if you will indulge me, we will peek at another painting at the Alte Pinakotech. Albrecht Durer's Self Portrait displays the artist's uncanny ability to see with the mind's eye something he witnessed in himself. From a distance one expects a painting of Christ- it has every hint of His face: long brown hair, slightly gaunt features and a penetrating gaze- but in a moment, coming closer to the piece, one is utterly surprised! Christ is wrapped in a fur coat. Perhaps it isn't Christ- as the title of the work eludes, it is a self portrait- but the viewer is left wondering.

I want my life to make others wonder- drawing near, penetrating the wrappings of my world that appear to hold me in time and place and situation. I am a wife, a mother of five; I love to laugh and bake and garden and read and write, yet there is more hidden in me than eye can first discern. May the God I love so hold me, make me and mold me that one must cast a second glance. Weeping with fear this morning I went to the church and simply sat, as the daughter of The King, and He whispered, “My child, Hush now. Great is My love and deep is My mercy. Do not fear, be of great courage. I am near. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

I wonder if you know that love that casts out fear with the whisper of His voice?

Medicine from Sacred Writings:

“Greater than all things is to have Christ our beloved at once and our lover that then we may by experience come to know what is spiritual joy, and a life of blessedness, and untold treasure of good things, let us leave everything to cling to that love.” St. John Chrysostom Epistle to the Romans Homily 9 NPNF1; 11.401