WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART?

 “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” The shrill cry pierced the afternoon sky as I made my way down the crowded beach. My heart was strangely stirred by this one word repeated with greater intensity each time it was uttered. Just as the extreme heat had driven me to the cool of the ocean, so my soul seemed to need a refuge and comfort somewhere.

I can cry out “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” knowing that the God of the universe will bring help and refresh me, no matter what concern or intense need brings me to Him. A very log time ago- a lifetime- since our oldest is almost 23, I filled the dishwasher with dish soap- it was a desperate moment for sure, and you already know what happened: bubbles came pouring forth from that machine filling the kitchen and threatening to take over other rooms of the house. With as many towels as I could find I began absorbing the soap gone wild. Three little boys stood dumbfounded as I cried, “Lord, help.”

No matter what circumstance we find ourselves in we can always cry to Him who made us. “No, the word is very near you, it is in your mouth and in your heart so that you may obey it.” Deuteronomy 30:14 hints that living a life of faith might be as simple as crying, “Abba, Father!” from the depths of our heart.

Medicine from Sacred Writings:

“Of things so great and grand God has made easy access for us. What is the meaning of the phrase, “The word is near you?” that is, it is easy. For in your mind and in your words is your salvation. There is no long journey to go, no seas to sail over, no mountains to pass to get saved. But if you are not inclined to even cross so much as the threshold, you may even while you sit at home be saved. For in your mouth and in your heart is the source of your salvation.”

St. John Chrysostom Epistle to the Romans Homily XVII NPNF1 11.474

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Weeks ago I gave you a glimpse into my heart as we perused poetry written in Munich; if you will indulge me, we will peek at another painting at the Alte Pinakotech. Albrecht Durer's Self Portrait displays the artist's uncanny ability to see with the mind's eye something he witnessed in himself. From a distance one expects a painting of Christ- it has every hint of His face: long brown hair, slightly gaunt features and a penetrating gaze- but in a moment, coming closer to the piece, one is utterly surprised! Christ is wrapped in a fur coat. Perhaps it isn't Christ- as the title of the work eludes, it is a self portrait- but the viewer is left wondering.

I want my life to make others wonder- drawing near, penetrating the wrappings of my world that appear to hold me in time and place and situation. I am a wife, a mother of five; I love to laugh and bake and garden and read and write, yet there is more hidden in me than eye can first discern. May the God I love so hold me, make me and mold me that one must cast a second glance. Weeping with fear this morning I went to the church and simply sat, as the daughter of The King, and He whispered, “My child, Hush now. Great is My love and deep is My mercy. Do not fear, be of great courage. I am near. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

I wonder if you know that love that casts out fear with the whisper of His voice?

Medicine from Sacred Writings:

“Greater than all things is to have Christ our beloved at once and our lover that then we may by experience come to know what is spiritual joy, and a life of blessedness, and untold treasure of good things, let us leave everything to cling to that love.” St. John Chrysostom Epistle to the Romans Homily 9 NPNF1; 11.401

CHRIST'S GAZE

Trust comes under so many layers of knowing and being known. I find I must peel away all my doubts, insecurities, hurts, projections, preconceived ideas and stand before the one I am to know and love; this is no small task. Months ago now, I was brought face to face with this reality as I wandered the Alte Pinakothek in Munich. Rembrandt’s painting; “Christ Resurrected” literally stopped me in my tracks.

 

Imagine Christ gazing directly into your eyes as He stands robed in white before you; the loving compassion in His eyes is compelling. I was drawn to return again and again to His piercing gaze. I looked for anger, disappointment, hurt, shame, disgust, wrath, or indifference; I found tender affection and understanding that touched me deeply.

 

Perhaps if I picture Christ this way- compassionate, tender-hearted, gentle, kind and longing to help me, I’d be more willing to believe. My heart and soul were stirred in a way a thousand sermons could never have done- He cared. He loved me; He knew how tired and fragile and weary I was and He longed to help me.

 

What would you find in Christ's eyes if you stood before Him?

 

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

 

“For this is what the Sovereign Lord says, “I Myself will search for My sheep and look after them. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays; I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak.” Ezekiel 34:11, 16

WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE COUNTS

 

            One part of me is mortified that I have told the world I have failed my exams! I want to recant or explain, but I am left with the truth and though I would like to tell you all the nice things about me and what is easy to post on face book, I must be honest. I failed my exams with God because I do not trust Him. Oh, on the surface it would all appear to be neat and tidy and that my world is wrapped up in a pretty little package with a beautiful bow- I have been married for 25 years (to the same person) we have five beautiful children, I work hard, make bread and jam and pick berries and enjoy life, but my inner world does not match up so much. Funny how God’s tests have nothing to do with exterior things, but everything to do with our hearts; mine is full of fear. I’m afraid my kids won’t be able to stand on their own two feet- like I can give them mine! I’m afraid I haven’t done all I could do- how many more batches of jam can one make? I’m terrified that they won’t make the right decisions- as if God isn’t faithful when they don’t. My fears about my children expose my heart. What I now know about myself is that although I say God is a loving Father, I believe I can’t trust Him with my children.

 

Where is your inner life not matching up with what you present to the world?

 

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

 

FINAL EXAMS WITH GOD

 

                Our oldest son finished his first year of graduate school and at the end of next year he will be taking his “quals,” qualifying exams- oral and written- which show he is competent in the material necessary to go on in his studies. I have just finished my “quals,” two years of intensive testing by God, and I am sad to say, I failed them miserable. I was stripped of security in relationships, my children struggled to find their footing and I sank with them. I did not trust, or accept or believe anything good could come of this pain, but slowly, I realize, that though my exam paper says, “F” for the fighting and arguing and refusal to submit to God’s path of suffering, I see that I have not died, neither have my children or my marriage.

I wonder what tests you are taking and how you are getting on?

Medicine from Sacred Writing and Sacred Scripture:

“Know yourself, know your wounds.” St John Chrysostom  Resisting the Temptations of the Devil Homily II.5; NPNF 9:189

How can we do this? We can begin with a simple prayer tucked at the end of Psalm 139. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

FRAYED

I have been busy lately with all that  a mother of five is overwhelmed by: so many meals to make, calls to take, children to keep encouraging, disciplining, hollering at to have them do what needs to be done. I'm ragged around the edges and so I crawled to church one day and listened. I stopped the incessant clatter and chatter in my head about all the concerns I had. I wasn't prepared for what I received:

Stillness stuns me

as I enter

I have not

been here

for a very long time.

 

My life, my mind

have been busy

My heart burdened

and my sanctuary empty.

 

Still, You call

and I come

wrapped in

Divine silence

my soul finds rest

once more.

 

dhallenbeck 6/13

It's the end of school for so many, the crazy making time where all is blur and a rush- perhaps other things keep you from Him...I wonder if you have had time to know the peace in His presence?


Medicine from Sacred Scripture:
"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

YOUR LIFE IS SPEAKING

Meandering through the Altepinakothek  in Munich I listened to the introductory audio tape, "Let the paintings speak to you."  I wonder if we take the time, in the rush of our busy days, to let our lives speak to us?

Sun streams in

shelter here

in the light

of My love.

 

Open your eyes

 look around you.

Listen

to the story

of your life.

 

Light bursts

forth amidst

the darkest night.

 

dhallenbeck Munich April 2013

 

We cannot always walk in shadows, we must ask God to show us the light and seek something- Someone- beyond ourselves to give us strength, grace and hope.

 

Medicine from Sacred Scripture:

 

"Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:6-8